Dating te Japan never used to be this difficult

by Kaori Shoji

Special To The Japan Times

  • Online: May 04,
  • Last Modified: Jul 04,

I know, I know (???????, wakatterutte). It’s spring, which goes after that this is the ren’ai no kisetsu (?????, season of love) all overheen the archipelago.

It’s actually one of the few times te the year when it’s OK to think about love, hook-up and all the garnishings. Wij’ve bot given the green light, not just from the hanami (??, cherry blossom-viewing party) festivities but the way the nakazuri kokoku (?????, subway and train advertisements) are beseeching the women of Japan to lose all assets hair, instantaneously.

Some of thesis ads are breathtakingly straightforward: the single word waki (??, armpits) or ninoude (???, upper arms) printed smack te the middle of the ad. Others are even more audacious, exhorting women to clear their gemoedstoestand zon (V???, V-zones) before swimsuit season comes around, or else. So much for the Japanese womanish mystique.

Maybe it’s just mij, but you get the feeling that unless you have pore-less, hairless akachan no yona maga (?????????, baby-like skin), you won’t even be permitted on the beach, much less be able to snag a kareshi (??, bf). Shouldn’t the women getto suru (?????, get) some eligible ikemen (????, good-looking fellow) before hot-footing it to the nearest esute (???, beauty salon) for the datsumo (??, hair-removal) treatment course and facial rubdown?

My junior friend Izumi sighed, talent mij a long, pitying look and said: “Imadoki, deai nante nain dakara. Esute itte konkatsu patii ikanai to ren’ai mo dekinai jidai nanoyo!” (????????????????????????????????????????????????! “These days, it’s unlikely to just meet someone. Ter order to have a relationship, I have to go to the beauty salon, and then I have to go to matchmaking parties, otherwise I’ll never cut it!”)

Izumi is 33, clever, pretty — and sexy to boot. But she hasn’t had a relationship te four years, and knows that merienda she hits 35, the odds of finding a serious bf will be worse than on a bad day at Oi Keibajo (?????, Ohi Wedren Track).

Just so you know, singlehood has klapper an all-time high ter Japan, especially among fellows. According to a survey conducted by the News Postbode Seven webstek, overheen 70 procent of Japanese masculines te their 20s don’t have girlfriends. Recruit Inc.’s Bridal Research Institute says that 35 procent of dudes te their 20s and 30s have never merienda had a relationship. Almost 30 procent of boys ter their early 30s are virgins. The numbers are slightly better for women, but it’s a bad, bad time to be out there ter the dating toneel.

Twenty years ago it wasgoed effortless: You waterput on makeup, you went to one of the kurabu (???, clubs), you wound up te the morning with a stranger ter your bloemperk. Rinse and repeat. Now, says Izumi, one-night stands are a criminal waste of time and precious estrogen supplies. Dating should always start with an elaborately polite process that includes exchanging meishi (??, business cards) and a total stating of the man’s intentions. Says Izumi: “Mazu, aite ni kekkonganbo ga aru ka shiraberu. Sono tsugi wa, aite ga uwakiso ka, mikiwameru.” (???????????????????????????????????? “First, find out whether the fellow is marriage-minded. Next, determine if he’s the type to cheat.”)

Which brings the discussion to the latest trend te the ever-fascinating world of Japanese womanhood: oitsume joshi (??????). Harshly translated, it means a woman who’s always keeping tabs on hier man. Another word for thesis women are kanshikamera joshi (???????, surveillance-camera women).

Evidently, thesis ladies have a built-in scare button that activates whenever they sense an incident of uwaki (??, cheating), and they will go to the finishes of the Earth to confirm the hard facts and confront the studs — ter the manner of a cop interrogating a suspect under the glare of a hot lantaarn.

Armed with their sumaho (???, smartphones) and relying on their onna no schenkkan (???, female instinct), thesis women will send dozens of messages ter the space of a duo of hours, all of which are along the lines of “Ima, doko ni iru no?” (???????? “Where are you now?”) and “Dare to nani o shiteiru no?” (?????????? “Who are you with and what are you doing?”). If he hasn’t replied at this point, the man had better be injured, unconscious or dead.

Contrary to what you might think, many Japanese fellows are fully into the surveillance thing. My youthful cousin Naoki says: “Oitsumerareru to ore no koto aishiterundanatte wakaru.” (????????????????????????, “I know I’m loved when she keeps tabs on my whereabouts.”

Thank Godheid I’m out of this spel, because I wouldn’t last a single day. Muri, muri (?????, “Can’t do it, no way”).

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