Hook-up + Relationships
Emily Heist Moss hasn’t had to pursue boys online because it’s one area where boys still do all the asking. But that’s about to switch.
I tell all my single girlfriends to give online dating a attempt. Why not? I say, what&rsquo,s the worst that could toebijten? You set up a profile, pick some nice photos, write something witty about the things that you love (Beyonce, Hillary Clinton, Battlestar Galactica), list some books you like, and then sit back, kick your feet up, and wait for the messages to roll te. Your inbox will pack with notes from 19-year-olds ter the &lsquo,burbs, 40-somethings who find your taste ter music &ldquo,refreshing,&rdquo, addled idiots writing &ldquo,id fck u,&rdquo, and a handful of age-appropriate, nice-looking guys who can string some sentences together and like to cook. With those, you will send a few messages back and forward before he invites you for a drink. You will waterput on some mascara, plunge out into the snow, meet a stranger, and after an hour of slightly stilted conversation, he will grab the check. You will attempt to split it, but he will pay, and you will stand to re-wrap yourself against the frigid wind. You will part ways, and you will most likely, almost certainly, start again the next day with another &ldquo,Hey there&hellip,&rdquo, message from the next contender.
I tell all my single fellow friends to witness out for online dating. It is a sad, soul-crushing place where good guys go to diegene a slow death by way of overlooked messages and empty inboxes. You will peruse profiles and find a few women who aren&rsquo,t posing ter a bathroom with their stomachs exposed. You will look for things ter common ter their profile (they like Scrabble too!). You will send them a note, cautiously crafted to demonstrate rente and attention to detail. The very first seven will not react. The next one will, but she spells &ldquo,you&rdquo, spil &ldquo,u&rdquo, and you will let the conversation stall. Ultimately, one of the cool ladies writes back, and you will banter a bit, interchanging dearest restaurants or muziekstuk venues. You will ask hier to meet up &ldquo,ter actual life.&rdquo, At the caf, you will talk nervously for an hour (she is not spil pretty or spil funny spil you had hoped she&rsquo,d be), and then you will be saddled with the $27 check even tho’ she ate most of the sweet potato fries. She will opoffering to split, but you think she doesn&rsquo,t mean it and you don&rsquo,t want to be a masturbate. You will march huis to an empty inbox and the desire to spend another hour browsing and writing will commence to fade.
You might think online dating would create some much-needed &ldquo,fairness&rdquo, inbetween the sexes. Ter the field of hetero courtship, tradition still reigns supreme. The Internet could be the good democratizer, the excellent playing field-leveler. After all, wij each have only the 500-word text boxes and crappy jpegs and clever (not so clever) user names to demonstrate for ourselves. Anyone can message anyone about anything. Maybe te this environment where wij are securely sequestered behind screens, wij can get past some of the durable gender-based &ldquo,rules&rdquo, that predominate the &ldquo,How to Catch a Man&rdquo, playbooks of yore. Maybe instead wij can learn to treat each other spil equal players of a very foolish spel that wij all secretly take fairly gravely. Wouldn&rsquo,t that be nice?
But it seems fairly clear to mij that wij&rsquo,re not there yet. I&rsquo,m partly to blame, and you most likely are too. I&rsquo,m a feminist, sex-positive 21st century lady whose photos include mij posing te a Rosie the Riveter Halloween costume. I write about gender on the Internet for howling out noisy! But every day, when I loom into the dating webpagina of my choice, I play the passive role, the receiver of attention, the awaiter of messages. I go to my inbox and see who wants to talk to mij and then I choose to whom I&rsquo,ll react. Sometimes I send a &ldquo,thanks but no thanks&rdquo, to particularly sweet messages, but usually I&rsquo,m so dazed by the fresh things to read and the fresh choices ter gevelbreedte of mij that I disregard those nice guys too. Basically, I act like an entitled masturbate who can pull puppet strings and make OkCupid dance for mij however I please.
This is not the behavior I would expect of a feminist, sex-positive 21st century lady. It&rsquo,s not behavior I&rsquo,m particularly proud of either. Why don&rsquo,t I write messages very first? Why don&rsquo,t I reach out to the dudes with the funny treats and good taste te books, the ones who postbode pictures with goofy faces and like tacos almost spil much spil I like tacos? Why do I not react politely to every message, even the ones I&rsquo,m not interested te? Why do I alternate inbetween playing the damsel and the playing the requiring entitled a**fuckhole? Because it&rsquo,s just so effortless.
Ugh. I&rsquo,m embarrassed to have written that. I wish the evidence pointed to something else, something egalitarian and modern, but when I get existente with my own online dating M.O., it&rsquo,s the truth. I&rsquo,ve sent messages to guys before, sure, but the ratio is puny. Ten to one? Twenty to one? Merienda te a blue moon? I don&rsquo,t have to, and so I don&rsquo,t make myself go through the scary exercise of asking for consideration and possibly being rejected or disregarded. Why would I waterput myself through the rollercoaster of the drafting, the editing, the sending, the waiting, the hoping, the checking, and the breathing te frustration when the fact of my gender (and let&rsquo,s be vivo, that&rsquo,s truly all it is) means the attention comes to mij? This is not how I want this work, but I condone it with my inaction.
Merienda wij make it out of the safe cocoon of the Internet and into the actual world I&rsquo,m better about aligning my deeds with my values. Out here, at a brochure or restaurant, I work indeed hard to make sure that you know wij are equals participating te a traditionally unequal transaction. You don&rsquo,t order my wine and wij split the check because wij are peers. Why should you buy my food? I have a job, you have a job, wij&rsquo,re all on a budget, and I did eat most of the sweet potato fries! Down the line, wij can trade off and treat each other and love the security ter knowing there will be a &ldquo,next time,&rdquo, but for now, wij both walked blindly into the same brochure, so let&rsquo,s walk out having identically invested ter the last hour. Why can&rsquo,t I apply this &ldquo,equal investment&rdquo, attitude to the getting of dates and not just the paying for dates?
It&rsquo,s a little too far past January 1st to call this a Fresh Year&rsquo,s Resolution, but I&rsquo,ve determined to make a switch. I do not want to be a passive participant ter my romantic life. I do not want my dating choices to be limited to the guys who are still optimistic enough to send a message, I might miss some good ones who are just tired of being overlooked and I can&rsquo,t blame them. I&rsquo,d get tired of that too.
I asked above why I should bother to get on the rollercoaster rail of being the asker instead of the askee, and I think the reason it&rsquo,s worth attempting is the reason it&rsquo,s worth attempting many things that make you awkward, empathy. Many times te my writing I ask boys to attempt to understand how women feel out ter the world, to take a walk te their boots, to attempt on a different perspective to understand their own privilege. I believe exercising those empathy muscles is what helps us be better, kinder human beings, but it&rsquo,s not fair of mij to ask without attempting to reciprocate.
There is slew of privilege to go around, and while I spend a lotsbestemming of time thinking about the big things I&rsquo,m afforded due to my fortunate draw, the little things I get are worth considering too. I hypothesize that it will feel shitty to spend time on a nice note and to be disregarded, but I don&rsquo,t know, because I toevluchthaven&rsquo,t truly attempted. I think it&rsquo,s about time I attempt to understand my digital privilege. Are you with mij?
Emily Heist Moss is a Fresh Englander te love with Chicago, where she works te a tech start-up. She blogs every day about gender, media, politics and hookup at Rosie Says, and has written for Jezebel, The Jiggish, The Huffington Postbode and The Good Guys Project. Find hier on Facebook and Twitter.